The Gleeing
by maria-fall
Summary: Sue Sylvester hires Carl as assistant director of the glee club. Meanwhile Meatwad joins the new directions and befriends Brittany and Santana.
1. Chapter 1

This story is partially AU. This takes places during season 3. Sue Sylvester became principal and the New Directions won Nationals by the end Season 2. Besides that everything is about the same give or take.

Chapter 1

Mid August…

Principal Sue Sylvester gritted her teeth thinking of someway she could finally take down the New Directions. Even though she was promoted to Principal and making more money she still harbored a grudge against the glee club.

The New Directions had finally won the war. By winning Nationals the club had received all the funding that she believed should have gone to the Cheerios. Sue refused to let what she perceived to be an indignation against her go and swore vengeance on the New Directions.

Sue spent the whole summer thinking of how she could get her revenge on the glee club. She couldn't fire Mr. Schuester since he had tenure and she couldn't touch any funding the New Directions received. Sue thought about trying to sabotage the glee club with some plants but that plan had failed before. In fact she lost her three best cheerleaders Quinn, Santana, and Brittany to the glee club that way. And due to the New Direction's new found popularity from winning Nationals it would be impossible to find any student willing to destroy the glee club from the inside.

Sue had an idea. _'Maybe I'm going about this the wrong way. I can't use the students but what if I found an assistant director who could bring the New Directions down.'_

Sue's malicious laughter filled her office.

…

Earlier that summer…

Carl threw the rest of his luggage down on the hardwood floor of his new house. "Finally I'm free of those freaks!" Frylock and Master Shake had finally driven Carl to move away to Lima Ohio.

Carl walked over to the large crate that contained all of his porn. The crate lid swung open. Meatwad rolled out. "Hey Carl!"

"Oh what the hell!" Carl spat. "How the hell did you get here? Don't tell me those other two freaks are with you."

Meatwad smiled. "Nah, I rolled into that crate myself. That crate's a bitch."

Carl looked inside, the crate was empty. "WHERE ARE MY FRIGGIN PORNO TAPES!"

"I done ate them on the way here." Meatwad replied. "Put some salsa on them and they good."

Meatwad held up a jar of salsa. "Want some?"

"Sure let me get some chips first." Carl pulled out his sawed off shotgun. "The chips are right in my shotgun."

…

Lima Hospital…

Meatwad pushed Carl's wheelchair down the ramp. "You need to be more careful Carl."

"I didn't know the gun was loaded." Carl mumbled. He examined his bandaged foot before glancing at the bill the hospital had given him. "$50,000 dollars! I don't friggin believe this!"

Meatwad struggled to keep Carl's wheelchair steady. "I can lend you the money Carl."

"I keep telling you monopoly money is not real money." Carl spat. "Hold that wheelchair steady! You're going to lose your fricken grip!"

Meatwad still struggled holding onto the wheelchair. Carl pointed to where two nurses were standing. "Just ask those nurses over there for help."

"Ok." Meatwad let go of Carl's wheelchair and headed over to where the nurses were standing. Carl screamed as his wheelchair began to roll down the ramp and into the street.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Present time, McKinley Auditorium, early September…

_I believe the children are our future  
Teach them well and let them lead the way  
Show them all the beauty they possess inside  
Give them a sense of pride to make it easier  
Let the children's laughter remind us of how it use to be  
Everybody's searching for a hero  
People need someone to look up to  
I never found anyone to fulfill my needs  
A lonely place to be  
So I learned to depend on me_

_I decided long ago, never to walk in anyone's shadow_  
_If I fail, If I succeed_  
_At least I live as I believe_  
_No matter what they take from me_  
_They can't take away my dignity_  
_Because the greatest love of all_  
_Is happening to me_  
_I found the greatest love of all inside of me_  
_The greatest love of all_

_Is easy to achieve_  
_Learning to love yourself_  
_It is the greatest love of all_  
_I believe the children are our future_  
_Teach them well and let them lead the way_  
_Show them all the beauty they possess inside_  
_Give them a sense of pride to make it easier_  
_Let the children's laughter remind us how we use to be_

_And if by chance that special place  
That you've been dreaming of  
Leads you to a lonely place  
Find your strength in love_

(A/N: I do not own The Greatest Love of All performed by Whitney Houston)

Nathan Walker took a bow in front of Mr. Schue and Principal Sylvester. Mr. Schue gave the middle aged man a standing ovation; out of all the auditions he heard today Mr. Walker was by far the best one yet. Sue even had to admit the man was perfect for the position; that is if she wanted the New Directions to actually benefit from having an assistant director.

"I'm sorry Mr. Walker but McKinley already has filled its quota of black homosexuals." Sue explained. "But I'm sure you'll find a nightclub looking to hire."

"Bitch…" Nathan muttered under his breath. He grabbed his jacket and stormed out of the room.

Mr. Schue turned to Sue. "What was that all about? Nathan Walker would be perfect for the position. He has fifteen years teaching experience and he spent ten years performing on Broadway."

Sue ignored Mr. Schue and glanced at her list. "Ok… who's next… Carl Bra… How the hell do you even say this?"

Carl came out on stage. "It's Brutanunanulewski."

"The North American Andy Sipowicz Look-Alike Association is across the street fatass." Sue quipped.

Carl seemed unamused. "That's funny… I'm here for the teaching position. I need it to pay off my frickin medical bills."

Mr. Schue glanced at Carl's resume. The man had no experience teaching or performing. "So Carl… you're here to audition for the assistant director position? Do you have any experience in music, dance, or theater?"

Carl shook his head. "Nah! I have to get really drunk to dance. But I know how to rock."

Mr. Schue seemed hesitant. "Could you perform a song for us Carl?"

"Yeah. This is a song I wrote myself. It's called_ I wanna rock your body until the break of dawn_." Carl started playing the air guitar. "Boom-bah ba doom doom bouh DAAW! Boooh daaah- SOLO! WIDDLY WAAAAAHHH BWAH BOUNG DOOM BAYA DEY BOOM WAAAH BOUM BOOM BOOM BWAAAH WIDDLY WIDDLY WIDDLY WIDDLY WIDDLY WIDDLY WIDDLY WAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!"

Before Mr. Schue could get a word in edgewise, Sue spoke up. "You got the position Mr. Bruta… Bra… Screw it; I'll just call you Carl the Polack."

Mr. Schue's mouth dropped. "What?"

"Alright! So what's your policy about drinking during school hours? You guys are cool with it right?" Carl asked.

Sue rubbed her hands together; there was an evil smirk on her face. Her plan was going better than she expected. Carl would not only damage the glee club, he would permanently end it.

"Tonight!" Carl exclaimed.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

One week later…

Carl stood in front of the New Directions. "Alright, which one of you fruit loops can tell me what the ultimate song is."

Rachel held up her hand. "I would say the greatest song of all time is _I Dreamed a Dream_ from _Les Miserables_."

"Wrong Banana Nose." Carl replied. "It's _Boston's More Than a Feeling_."

Mr. Schue tried to remain patient with Carl. For the past week all Carl had accomplished doing was annoying everyone on the New Directions. If he wasn't busy hitting on the cheerleaders, Carl spent most of the time making fun of Kurt and Blaine's sexuality.

"Umm Carl… there's more to music than Judas Priest and Metallica." Will mentioned.

"Yeah it's called crap." Carl snickered. Everyone gave the man disgusted looks.

"Hey Carl!" Meatwad rolled into the classroom.

"Oh how the hell did you get out of the freezer!" Carl spat.

"Some burglar done broke in and stole everything." Meatwad explained. "He done kicked me out of the freezer before he threw it on his truck."

"I JUST PUT A DOWN PAYMENT ON EVERYTHING!" Carl bellowed. "Did you call the cops?"

"They said they had better things to worry about." Meatwad replied.

Meatwad rolled over to where Brittany was sitting. "Hey there! I'm Meatwad. Of the New Jersey Meatwads."

Brittany picked up Meatwad and hugged him. "I like you! You're cute!"

"Ah screw it! This job sucks balls anyways!" Carl started out the room.

"Carl, where are you going? We still have another hour left…" Will asked.

Carl shrugged. "I'm heading to Mexico. I'll hide out until the hospital forgets all about the money I owe them."

Meatwad frowned. "We moving again Carl?"

"I am. You're not." Carl waved to the class. "Later assholes!"

….

Sue slammed her hand down on her desk. "What do you mean Carl just left?"

Mr. Schue remained unfazed by Sue's shouting. "Carl said he was leaving for Mexico. Personally I'm glad he left; Carl was more of a detriment to the club. I don't know why you even hired him Sue."

Sue ignored Will while cursing her own failure. She had hoped that her plan to bring the New Directions down would work.

"We have another problem." Will mentioned. "Carl left his roommate behind."

Sue seemed indifferent about the matter. "So? How is that my problem?"

"I think Meatwad is a minor and he definitely isn't capable of taking care of himself." Will stated.

"What the hell is a Meatwad?" asked Sue.

Will opened the office door. "Come in Meatwad."

Meatwad rolled into Sue's office. "Hi there!"

Sue's eyes widened. "What in the name of General Patton's jockstrap and all that is holy is that thing? Sweet Moses! It looks like God ate a hamburger and threw up all over the place!"

Meatwad frowned. "Now that ain't nice…"

Will spoke up. "This is Meatwad. All I could find out is that he's from New Jersey."

Sue sat back in her chair after giving Meatwad a hard glance. "How old are you Mr. Wad?"

Meatwad thought to himself. "I don't know… 65?"

Sue shrugged. "It's out of our hands then."

"I don't think Meatwad is really that old." Will mentioned. "He exhibits child-like behavior and intelligence. What should we do Sue? The police aren't interested in handling the case. They said since Meatwad isn't human, they're not willing to waste resources finding a home for him."

Sue rubbed her temple. "I don't know…" There was a sudden knock on the door. "Come in!" Sue shouted.

Brittany walked in. "Hi Coach Sylvester, Mr. Schue, Meatwad."

Sue corrected the girl. "For the hundredth time it's Principal Sylvester. What do you want now Brittany."

Brittany stood with her hands behind her back. "I wanted to ask if I could adopt Meatwad."

Will groaned. He was used to Brittany's strange requests before but even this took the cake. "Brittany, Meatwad isn't just some pet you can take home with you…"

Meatwad smiled at Brittany. "I like her." Brittany gave Meatwad another hug.

Sue clapped her hands together. "Great! Then the problem's settled for now."


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

That evening at Brittany's house…

Meatwad petted Lord Tubbington while he sang. "Lord Tubbington you have my heart! Lord Tubbington you have my soul."

Brittany had finished taking a shower in the other room. She walked in the room wearing her pajamas; she dried her hair with a towel. "I love your song Meatwad."

"Thanks, I wrote it for my cat Terrence. Before Shake done blew him up in the microwave." Meatwad frowned.

An idea crossed Brittany's mind. "Why don't you try out for the New Directions tomorrow? Besides I want you to meet Santana and the rest of the glee club."

Meatwad seemed excited by the prospect of meeting Brittany's friends. "Well alright!"

…

The next day…

At practice Rachel had told Quinn and Santana everything that had happened the day before. The two girls had missed practice for several days as Carl had made them feel uncomfortable with his sexual innuendos.

"What do you guys mean Brittany adopted a huge ball of meat?" Santana asked Rachel. Brittany hadn't said anything to her about making any new friends.

Santana like everyone else was glad that Carl had quit his job. He had made a comment to her and Brittany one day that he wanted to join in on their sexual escapades. Santana was tempted to strangle him over that remark. Principal Sylvester had ignored everyone's complaints about Carl which forced most of the girls to stop attending practice altogether.

"Santana! Quinn!" Brittany ran over and hugged her friends. "I've missed you guys being here."

Santana smiled at her girlfriend. "I've missed you too Britt-Britt."

Meatwad entered the room. Brittany stepped aside so Santana and Quinn could get a better look at Meatwad. "I wanted to introduce you to my new best friend Meatwad."

Meatwad smiled at both girls. "Hi there!" Quinn and Santana stood there speechless. They both wondered what the hell Meatwad was and what Brittany had gotten herself into.

Mr. Schuester greeted Meatwad. "I'm glad you could stop by Meatwad."

Brittany turned to her teacher. "Mr. Schue, could Meatwad try out for the New Directions? He can play the guitar and he writes his own songs."

"Oh no way!" Rachel pouted. The last thing she wanted was a thing like Meatwad on the New Directions.

Mr. Schue ignored Rachel and smiled at Meatwad. "Is that right Meatwad? Why don't you perform one of your songs for us?"

Principal Sylvester called out from the back of the room. "This should be interesting." She sarcastically quipped.

"Staying for practice Sue?" Will knew that Sue would turn down his invitation as she usually distanced herself from the club. Still he wanted to extend the olive branch to the new principal.

"Oh I wouldn't want to miss this freak show for anything." Sue headed towards the front of the room and sat between Quinn and Santana.

Sue turned to her two former cheerleaders. "Looks like we have a front row seat for the show ladies." Neither Santana nor Quinn said a word; they were still in shock after meeting Meatwad.

Mr. Schue invited Meatwad to sit on a stool. Brittany handed Meatwad a guitar. Meatwad looked nervously at the New Directions. Everyone besides Will and Brittany seemed either amused or disgusted by the thought of Meatwad joining the New Directions. Puck took out his iPhone and started recording.

Mr. Schue tried to give Meatwad some encouragement. "Go on Meatwad."

"This is a little diddy about my favorite meal. I call it Chicken and Beans." Meatwad strummed his guitar and began to sing. "Ch… chicken and Beans, Chicken and Beans, The best lookin' dinner that I ever seen."

Sue shook her head. "This is one of the worst songs I've heard the glee club perform!" She turned to the rest of the New Directions. "And trust me, that's saying something."

Meatwad tried his best to ignore Sue's criticism and attempted to finish his song. He became even more nervous than before. "You better go get you some… Chicken and… Chick… Chicken and…" Meatwad looked confused and lost. "Chicken and what…"

Brittany tried helping her friend. "Beans Meatwad! Beans!" she whispered loudly.

Meatwad frowned. "I don't feel good!"

Mr. Schue rushed up on stage. "You can do it Meatwad."

Brittany agreed. "Yeah you're doing so good Meatwad."

Meatwad dropped his guitar. "No I'm not."

Without warning a projectile of greenish vomit spewed out from Meatwad's mouth and landed right on Principal Sylvester. The vomit splattered on Santana and Quinn as well catching them off guard. Rachel, Finn, Tina and Mercedes jumped back and were able to avoid Meatwad's projectile.

"I'm going to be sick!" Quinn screamed. Santana started cursing out loud in Spanish.

Meatwad tried to apologize but couldn't. All that came out was a second projection of vomit that again hit Sue and the two girls.

Principal Sylvester jumped out of her seat. Sue like Quinn and Santana was completely covered in Meatwad's vomit. "You little monster! This is my best track suit!"

"Holy Shit! That was awesome!" Puck exclaimed as he kept recording. "I caught everything! I'm posting this on YouTube!"

Meatwad threw up yet again covering Sue with another layer of vomit. Meatwad wiped his mouth and finished his song. "Some Chicken and Beans… Thank you!"

Brittany clapped her hands. "That was a great performance Meatwad!" Brittany turned to Mr. Schue. "So can Meatwad join the New Directions Mr. Schue?"

Mr. Schue glanced around the room. Sue, Santana, and Quinn were livid as they tried to wipe the vomit off their clothes. Most of the room was a mess. "I'll have to think about it Brittany." Will replied.

(A/N: I don't own the song Chicken and Beans or the jokes I used from that episode or any ATHF or Glee characters)


End file.
